I don't want to act normal once I'm not, so I'll just arrange things accordingly
won't hurt those few I 'love' (that includes keeping the pain for myself even at the expense of some temporary relief)
should help those in a much tougher situation than me - and not to the satisfaction of my well-hidden narcissim
should not help those only capable of being aided but never actually reciprocating
should not believe for an instant that I might be any better looking than this,
nor should I take it from others; empty words
(in the past few months I've wholly realised I looked like sh.t, and have been constantly dreaming of other faces that scrap of makeup would look so much better on; no makeup looks cool on them too - I'm devastated)
whenever you don't see me pretty, I'm pissed
whenever you think me pretty, I hate it, and I hate you for being blind and all liars
just another panic attack, but I can handle my body now even thought it's a detestable wreck.
I want a proper collapse, it's been around me for so long, and it's making me mediocre and a secret psycho. I would, at least, want to be officially recognised as someone not completely healthy.
'fuck, I had a rough childhood, too'
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