good work if you can catch it

lily allen unfortunately can't fit today's conception

achievements in total:

experience

child neglect
drunken rants
child neglect
the sweetest hot chocholate in the morning
music music music
bodily harm (I don't fancy seeing the truth written down, so I thought this version would do just as well)
child neglect
child neglect
being told nasty sentences about your dad in his absence, wondering
whatever they might mean (he's not popular, sure thing)
lies lies
some more harm (don't ever tell anyone, dear)
music
being told 'you're lovely'
being labelled as black-eyed
loads of music
being told 'are you going to be an actress? you should think about it')
child neglect, lies
getting to know another parent
getting new additions to the non-existent family
being stuffed with food
more food,
more food
being told 'you're fat'
being told 'you're disgusting'
child neglect
harm (silence!)
being told 'you're bright'
being witness to an alcoholic,
to depression
to substance abuse
(harm ended, seemingly, you're almost of age, after all)
being told 'you're a lot less fat, god, what happened to you?'
being told 'you're pretty'
child neglect
being part of a community
sense of belonging
music
music
music
hatred
the feeling of wanting to destroy yourself beacuase of the unbearable tension
being told 'you're weird'
loneliness
funny hair colours
funny clothes
being high from joy
being sick form alcohol, collapsing in toilets, going to weddings
the day after
fun fun fun
music
child neglect
insignificance
being loved by friends and others
being held strange, very strange, are you ok?
too much pain
skipping school
too much fat
too ugly a skin texture and colour as well
the nasty feeling of 'why can't I be as pretty as they are'
the recurring feeling of 'why can't I be as they are'
alcoholism, premier plan
pill + other abuse, half-unveiled
others being perverts
others throwing up the lunch, puffy eyes, bloated skin, abhorrent smells
child neglect
loneliness
'I'm fat'
the feeling of hating everyone
others having watched porn, leaving the tape behind, how incredibly lovely, I'm going to vomit
declining performance
you don't understand me
'there's nothing wrong with your intellignece, fancy some therapy, perhaps?'
the feeling of I don't need therapy, I'm ok, I can handle this
skip
fail
end, new begin
platonic love for the charming teacher
non-platonic love in the followings
self-made fringe. gworing it out, shelley, flowers, pneumonia
loneliness
cigarettes
the unbearable lightness of being
'you got skinny'
books and cleverness
cigarettes
iamx
them
'are you eating normally?' 'sure do, haha'
boys seem to like me
boys seem not to like me
everyone else likes me
I don't really like myself
it's cold, I'm fainting
why are my fingers numb?
why does my heart beat out of rhythm?
no period, no trouble
but I think I'm going to die this way
first massive panic attack
putting on and on and on
nothing tastes like skinny
acting out
delusions
I hate psychologists
child neglect
full-blown alcoholsim + all those pills
how come I don't have relationships?
panic
real doesn't feel real anymore
how come I don't enjoy things?
delusion
hidden grandiousity
I fell in love with another teacher
no family
oh my nerves
acting out
I can't bear myself
the cruel effects of bodily harm
all the dramatic, destructive, semi-aloud conversations
how come everyone is going after their business all the time,
and they exist, and they have relationships, and they're real?
wating others' money
being full of myself
self-pity, a huge amount
hatred
anger
fear
clichés
being told 'I'll call you' (I believe you, dad, even though I know you lie. it's you who has no idea about it. I'm sorry for you, dad, pretending that you're happy, making yourself believe you exist but eventually ending up the most miserable person ever, beacuse you lie all the time, and you don't even realise. you're not happy, obviously deserve better but then again, you shouldn't make others as wrecked as you are. I'm sorry for all the bad things you did to me as a dad, unwillingly, unconsciously; regret your mistake instead of you. do you know what unconditional love is it's this you beautiful cruel thing and i hate saying clichés this is the biggest cliché in the world but i mean it i feel it its dreadful you should not have had any kids seriously just look at them are you satisfied

poor deviant family members