overlapping circles

comparative, constrastive favourites

(I've never ever taken any exam so seriously. but what for, really. massive exasperation.)

♋

check your lucky number

ő az új:

tisztázni kéne a véletlen fogalmát. kiderülne, hogy csak a fogalomcsinálók kényszeres produktivitása hozta létre. kiderülne, hogy nincsen - ahogy semmi biztos nincsen, csak körülmények vannak, meg összefüggések, meg kapcsolatok és korrelációk.
ezt a napot nekem szánták lélekemelőnek (még akkor sem esem össze, amikor már minden okom meg volna rá, öröm!)
ilyen nincs! ilyen nincs! (ma mindent kétszer, kétszer) mindennek így kellett lennie, minden úgy illik és idomul egymáshoz, hogy az a maga csúnya valóságában szinte tökéletes.
végre összeakadtam lipótmezővel is.

verlernen, zwielicht, ányeszka eltaláta mennyit fizettem a vanity fairért, ányeszka tudta a twilight jelentéseit, ányeszka nem mulaszt el csinos, még soha nem hallott műveltségszavakat elpotyogtatni, csak úgy fáradtságában. ányeszkának elmondtam, hogy néha megütköznek, amikor kiesik a számon egy hasonló, dehát ányeszka mellett nincs esélyem elbújni a csinos műveltségszavak elől. viszont gonosz körülmény a középszerű intelligencia, ami elzárja a lehetőséget a kedves-ostoba lebegéstől, de annyira pont elég, hogy felszínesen gondolkodóba ejtsen. gonosz dolog az, ha a szülők sokkal okosabbak. gonosz dolog felismerni, hogy te a visszatérés az átlaghoz vagy. gonosz ez a folyamatos, kántálós-hipnotikus ismételgetése a mintáknak, szavaknak, fordulatoknak. mintákban gondolkodom, és nem akarnak maguktól átszövődni.

körülbelül

rajtam kívül mindenkinek sikerül (viszont: lapos sarok, lapos sarok!!!)

good work if you can catch it

lily allen unfortunately can't fit today's conception

achievements in total:

experience

child neglect
drunken rants
child neglect
the sweetest hot chocholate in the morning
music music music
bodily harm (I don't fancy seeing the truth written down, so I thought this version would do just as well)
child neglect
child neglect
being told nasty sentences about your dad in his absence, wondering
whatever they might mean (he's not popular, sure thing)
lies lies
some more harm (don't ever tell anyone, dear)
music
being told 'you're lovely'
being labelled as black-eyed
loads of music
being told 'are you going to be an actress? you should think about it')
child neglect, lies
getting to know another parent
getting new additions to the non-existent family
being stuffed with food
more food,
more food
being told 'you're fat'
being told 'you're disgusting'
child neglect
harm (silence!)
being told 'you're bright'
being witness to an alcoholic,
to depression
to substance abuse
(harm ended, seemingly, you're almost of age, after all)
being told 'you're a lot less fat, god, what happened to you?'
being told 'you're pretty'
child neglect
being part of a community
sense of belonging
music
music
music
hatred
the feeling of wanting to destroy yourself beacuase of the unbearable tension
being told 'you're weird'
loneliness
funny hair colours
funny clothes
being high from joy
being sick form alcohol, collapsing in toilets, going to weddings
the day after
fun fun fun
music
child neglect
insignificance
being loved by friends and others
being held strange, very strange, are you ok?
too much pain
skipping school
too much fat
too ugly a skin texture and colour as well
the nasty feeling of 'why can't I be as pretty as they are'
the recurring feeling of 'why can't I be as they are'
alcoholism, premier plan
pill + other abuse, half-unveiled
others being perverts
others throwing up the lunch, puffy eyes, bloated skin, abhorrent smells
child neglect
loneliness
'I'm fat'
the feeling of hating everyone
others having watched porn, leaving the tape behind, how incredibly lovely, I'm going to vomit
declining performance
you don't understand me
'there's nothing wrong with your intellignece, fancy some therapy, perhaps?'
the feeling of I don't need therapy, I'm ok, I can handle this
skip
fail
end, new begin
platonic love for the charming teacher
non-platonic love in the followings
self-made fringe. gworing it out, shelley, flowers, pneumonia
loneliness
cigarettes
the unbearable lightness of being
'you got skinny'
books and cleverness
cigarettes
iamx
them
'are you eating normally?' 'sure do, haha'
boys seem to like me
boys seem not to like me
everyone else likes me
I don't really like myself
it's cold, I'm fainting
why are my fingers numb?
why does my heart beat out of rhythm?
no period, no trouble
but I think I'm going to die this way
first massive panic attack
putting on and on and on
nothing tastes like skinny
acting out
delusions
I hate psychologists
child neglect
full-blown alcoholsim + all those pills
how come I don't have relationships?
panic
real doesn't feel real anymore
how come I don't enjoy things?
delusion
hidden grandiousity
I fell in love with another teacher
no family
oh my nerves
acting out
I can't bear myself
the cruel effects of bodily harm
all the dramatic, destructive, semi-aloud conversations
how come everyone is going after their business all the time,
and they exist, and they have relationships, and they're real?
wating others' money
being full of myself
self-pity, a huge amount
hatred
anger
fear
clichés
being told 'I'll call you' (I believe you, dad, even though I know you lie. it's you who has no idea about it. I'm sorry for you, dad, pretending that you're happy, making yourself believe you exist but eventually ending up the most miserable person ever, beacuse you lie all the time, and you don't even realise. you're not happy, obviously deserve better but then again, you shouldn't make others as wrecked as you are. I'm sorry for all the bad things you did to me as a dad, unwillingly, unconsciously; regret your mistake instead of you. do you know what unconditional love is it's this you beautiful cruel thing and i hate saying clichés this is the biggest cliché in the world but i mean it i feel it its dreadful you should not have had any kids seriously just look at them are you satisfied

poor deviant family members

there's glitter in the gutter

gems for letters, crystal clear, l o v e (massive capital letters) the same cotton candy in the sky like last year. nothing ever changes. can't wait.

overwhelmed. (primitive emotions)
stuck by the river that was screaming for the ocean, in the summer

a mean design

bárcsak megszűnne a testnek ez a bántó túlsúlya.

"kedvelem a tisztaságot és túl szépnek igazán nem mondható testrészeimre épp olyan hiú vagyok, mint egy moziszínész, vagy egy fiatal nő. csak persze okosabb vagyok, semhogy ezt észre lehessen venni rajtam, itt is általánosító elmélettel kábítom el intellektuális önérzetemet, mely tiltakozik ellene, hogy a testemet éppoly fontosnak tartsam, mint a lelkemet, a létért való harcban."

amen.

boldog szülinap.

five years

until the ultimate 27
wouldn't it be fun
she was not a creep at that time

lucky seven

blooming into

a sors különleges rosszindulata

már félig vége van / még csak félig van vége, még bármi lehet (bárcsak)

kings of all medicines

It is common enough, all things being equal, for a father to send his sons to the prep school he attended as a boy himself. My father, however, had been a chorister at St Paul’s Cathedral and attended its choir school. My brother and I were unlikely to follow in his footsteps. The sound of Roger and Stephen Fry singing, even before Dame Nature had her impertinent pubic way with us, could cause people to stab themselves in the throat with sharpened pencils, jump from high windows, claw out their own inner ears, electrocute their genitals, put on a Jim Reeves record, throw themselves cackling hysterically into the path of moving buses... anything, anything to take away the pain. The cathedral choir school of St Paul’s with its fussy, outworn emphasis on tunefulness and harmony was never going to be an option.



the geniuses,
the perfect antidepressant.
the world is too absurd a place to lack absurdity

meanwhile, I'm half-frozen with fear, as things, as usual, follow a very premeditated way I always find out about too late. should have expected this, I can never be prepared, I can never stop being utterly embarassed.

'oh, look at you, you must be e x c e l l e n t. I'm quite sure there will be no problem next time, it must have been your lack of time.'

actually, it's my lack of brains. but I'm too disappointed to confess it to anyone, including myself.

the 13th

on the 12th skipping school in the burning hot, shivering and quivering with S.H.E., shedding a few childhood tears, getting lost near the once-familiar woods, getting absorved in dead souls along with the fleas

and on the 13th

godot

FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD
(2 + 2 = 5)

but I can't face the grazes
I cannot contain this

thus far

pick a personality for free:
this is the soundtrack that's going to accompany my flying above the city in the summer, in the late hours, in a light pink fairy dress, covered all in silver-gold glitter, familiar, comfortable lights, and smooth breeze caressing me
x

too far apart

though dreams can be deceiving
like faces are to hearts
they serve for sweet relieving

down by the water

all those waves above
x
orlando
x
and don't you feel whenever not lonely as if you were in another city



habár felül a g á j a, s alul az víznek árja, azért a víz az úr.
x
the river back shall be your home
x
mi történik külföldön...?
x
luna.

us against the world

ahogy pszichofalva lakossága is gyökkető, úgy magamat megtalálni a múltban, és konstatálni, hogy nincs jelenem, mindig felemelő.
ma túlságosan is magammal vagyok elfoglalva, aminél szánalmasabb dolog nem nagyon van.
meg ez az önboncolás, elképesztő.
vasszörp kortyolgatása, esetleg később némi izotópos ital.
nincs szükség tudatmódosításra, a dóri be van narkózva egész nap.
vállalhatatlanra vagyok fáradva.
first and last thing to be crossed out: to get authorised.

a legkedvencebb párbeszédeim egyike még mindig ez:

g: ...ö...dóri...bocsi, de te be vagy szívva?
d: öhm?
g: mármint nem azért...vagy nyugtatózva?
d: hogy tessék?
g: csak mert picit ilyen belassultnak tűnsz...
d: jaaaa! nem, nem, dehogy. ezt így magamtól, junó. gyári beállítás.
g: ö. oké.
d: hehehe
g: ...

(dóri aside: nahát, g milyen jó megfigyelő, meg milyen egyenes. mindenki milyen hanyag megfigyelő, és csavaros.)

ez a mai nap. meg az, hogy simán meg lett volna a tipográfia, ha utolsó pillanatban úgy nem döntök, hogy
iparkodva átjavítok harmincöt választ rosszra. vonz az ismétlés lehetősége, a komfort és a megszokás megszerzése, ennyi. egyszer semmi sem az igazi, árkokat kell ásni az agyba, ismétlés-ekével.
utána kéne járni a mezőgazdasági terminológiának.

közben előkerültek a darabok az időkapszulából:











t





szeretem a képeket, néha kedvesek velem. csak rajtuk keresztül tudok létezni, ami szomorú, viszont így nem kell magamnak túlindokolni, miért választottam a keats-yeats opciót.
a legjobb módszer annak kifejezésére, hogy a keats-yeatset akartam volna választani, végül is az,
ha azt választom.
meg a blogokat is szeretem - illenek a személyiségemhez. az indirekt, félenigmatikus, felismeretlen
exhibicionista közlés legszebb formája. és még erőt sem kell kifejteni. és fizikum sem kell hozzá.
kezdem túlságosan kedvelni azokat a tevékenységeket, amik kizárják a fizikumot. ez a kategória úgy nagyjából lefedi
az összes létező tevékenységet.

will you bite the hand that beat you

/ˈlʌvliˌmɛnɑːʒ ɑː ˈt(ɹ)wɑː/


absurd drama is the most life-like sort of thing I've ever come across.
not that I've come across a lot of things whatsoever.
it reminds me of myself. the dialogues are like that of my family members. loads of fun!
deprived of meaning, aimless, unexplainable, incomprehensible.

plus, I should never ever read any piece of news about manic slaughterers, it gives me the worst of moods, the most unbearable of nightmares. blah

I will, I will, I don't like biting, though

A & M

A:

as I'm really getting fed up with my own content.
at least I still produce those exciting dreams, not even nightmarish, cool.
the only disadvantage is when you wake up with the complete screenplay in your head, delighted that you actually a r e able to create something, planning to jot down the first draft of it, just about at the same time when you realise that the mother of your brother's classmate has turned into your dog, and is being beaten to death along with you.
poor things!