you're hungry but your appetite is chased away

on the minus side:
really starting to think I've been an idealist for too long.
when I seem to get it, it's over, I just don't find the means to enjoy it,
and at the moment it becomes somewhat unreachable again, I am starving for it.

on the plus side:
Tбi moй дрyг пapтянкa - or something like it.
we will n e v e r s e v e r.
suppose this x-mas thing would truly be loads more enjoyable with you over here.
at least you could pour out your feeling, I could do the same.
I shouldn't pretend love because there would be someone I loved for real,
and is there anything more tiring than mimicing these overwhelmingly positive feelings?
I'd rather pretend hostility but then again, that wouldn't be much of a pretension.

on the minus side:
against all my intetnions, my panic won't stop crawling back in at the precise moment I'm starting to make thing up. in the very middle of the supermarket, enjoying the consequences of the fact I finally seem to step out my passiveness.
it's hardest when it's the situations you normally shouldn't produce all that shit.
funny, after seeing him really not feeling alright.
I guess I don't feel safe with him, I guess for fear of finally losing my faith in ever having the ability to create something of a functional relationship.
it's cool so far, I can blame the whole thing on him, it's not be who's being unreliable and unpredictable, and escapist, but what would happen if it were up to me completely? it would become quite clear, it takes two, my fault, too.
this half-estranged, half-together condition of ours only strengthens this constant either/or but most likely neither-kind of condition of mine.
I don't blame him as, firstly, I've met the screwed up vulnerable lot of his kind, secondly, I'm like that, too.

on the plus side:
I have to become solid and stable, and feel as if I'm moving towards it.
today, I shoted because I felt hurt and unfairly dealt with, and knew I was right and had to express it, and made it. made it.
realised mountain really won't move, but as long as I want to move toward them, I will continue doing so instead of sitting here and waiting as I've done so far.
lucky, I've never been too proud, don't really care if this means humiliating myself, I'd more proudly be a humiliated person succeeded in expressing herself, clear and open, than someone lost in her anguish, lonely, so not whole, with a hurting conscience and soul. blabla.
morals blabla.
went running, too. didn't climb out of my head at a high speed for an extended period.
made friends secondary stress rules + stuff because it's FUN. wish I could share it with someone. oh, I will, I will.
(planning to copy here all the quotes from the scarlet letter, pure amazingness)


still like this a lot