aesthetics over meaning

don't have to be beautiful, but it's nice

grâce à mon lycée de merde j'ai rencontré des personnes inoubliables

i'm a bit in trouble here.
should have got used to it, though, it has happened quite a few times before.
the experience of finding myself truly deeply touched and amazed by someone and their actions towards me. their goodness and caring. when someone really cares.
the only thing bugging me is that i feel like i don't live up to those expectations cause i feel sorry for myself and keep on consoling myself in all the wrong ways, keep on tranquilising myself so inappropiately and i'm so ashamed and aware of this weakness and hidden filth, at the same time i feel like there's no way to express it, thus it remains disclosed, leaving you thinking that i'm a good person, which i am not. unfortunately. for the time being.

i AM a good person deep down bad things have happened to but that's no excuse for being so vulnerably feeble and living under so much. i could do it so much better and you make me want to do it so much better, you make me want to live up to my 'reputation', to be a better person who deserves all that appreciation and love and all those beautiful feelings you have for me.
you inspire me and that's the most i can wish for from a friend. from any other human being basically, and calling you my friend makes me so proud and happy inside.
i want to share the feeling your actions awoke in me.
i'm so grateful for whoever, whatever organised my fate this way,
i'm such a lucky person to love you.

becoming x

jittery

wish i were important enough for myself to save

chris corner's words are golden, my existence is undescribable horribleness.
i'm obsessed.

x x alone

i'm doing overtime. overnicely.
and fuck all those having pushed me away.
i won't be nice again
+ cheers to the fact that i can't seem to be affected whatsoever by a bottle of wine.
well, fuck x-mas, as well, of course.
but i had a real X one.

ink + incapability, LOVE

a leggázabb dolog helyesírási hibával elküldeni egy entelektüell témát érintő, entelektüellnek számítő kétmondatos kérdést.
hát szánalom.
ahogy szélmalomharcot vívni is az.
gratulálok, fiam. viszont gyönyörűen takarítok, tartom a súlyom két napja, nem menekülök a szobám sarkába, büszke lehetek magamra.
és az emberek nem látnak, mert nem engedem nekik.
lehet, hogy valamit végleg elrontottam, pedig ha megmutattam volna magam, akkor most másképp lenne. de nem hiszem.
ez kétemberes cuccos.

0, 1, 2

tegnap ezeket akartam írni:
király volt ez az egész machináció, hogy újra kevesebb kiló vagyok, csak picit mostmár elkezdtem étkezni, ami ugye plusz egycsilliárd darab komplikáció és idegtépés.
egyensúlyt kell csiholni.

azóta idegrohamot kaptam és sírógörcsöt és kétségbeesés- meg optimizmusrohamokat, de azthiszem, hogy most stabil a helyzet. szánalmas, de stabil.
fenn kell tartani a lelki békét, és ledőlni szembecsukva, ha kezdődik a vihar a fejben.

huszonhetedikét várom, addigra zseniális akarok lenni.
finom a száraz bor, berúgtam két kortytól.

a legújabb elgondolásom, hogy a fiúknak majd azt mondom, hogy 'i ain't your helen keller, darling, i'm your number one'
persze nem az összesnek. persze.

amúgy meg rendszeresen kicsorog az összes szívem, mikor meghallom ezt:

kevés kiló vagyok, amit minimum meg kéne tartani. szépen harminckettő.
és akkor boldog újév lesz. de az egyensúlynál nincs nehezebb.
lehetnék ügyesebb is.

viszont kifolyik a szívem a helyéről, mikor ezt meghallgatom

in search of the perfect existence

i survived wednesday.
so excited about ending this term.
non-compound sentences.
simplicity.
last thursday was funny.
no idea if there's going to be more of that.
filthy flat, disgusting men.
pretty boys.
in need of new clothes.
blood pressure liberatingly low, i'm levitating
from the happiness, my body serves me so well.
this is how i imagine hadouken's driving nowhere, a bit less dramatically, sure

örökké

it all comes full circle

can't actually bear the thought of dreams coming true.
let me go back to sleep, dream all day.
but then again, reality can be equally addictive as imagination,
once it has reached the same intensity.

(after all, i love writing literary essays, just not really now, and not really including looking at all those sophisticated lot overintellectual, sophisticated
people have noted down before. e s p e c i a l l y not in front of this nerve-wrecking machine wanting to suck all my insides out. apart from these, i guess i've always loved thinking, and it hasn't changed ever since. i'm just not doing it properly.)

intensity is the source of all devilish. once it's upwards, i don't bother realising the tricky nature of it, just give myself to this beautiful weightless, mindless, deeply instinctual levitating of actually being able to succeed in everything i start dealing with.
and when obsession is over (as it HAS to be over), then comes the meltdown, so rapidly, i don't have a chance to grab control, as that is exactly the same, systematic improvement - on the negative side.
what goes around, comes around.
i just can seem to step out of this circle. my full circle.

and i still have no idea what exactly i'm goint to do with you.
or what you're goint to do with me.
r i dd l e

j'en ai marre

legyen megint ilyen kedvem, legyek nagyon okos, neméhes, jólalvó, tökéletes.

constant now

in the midst of the rush i stand still
lost it, completely
nothing can live up to what's supposed to be
there supposed to be flawlessness
all apologies to that part of me that's still trying not to give up
and all those trying to convince me not to

i'm so sad and tired without cigarettes
that very kindly help me shed this disgusting amount
of disgusting extra weight

in desperate need of your never-ending inspiration

good insight

down to my astonishing intelligence (of course), a sort of a negative intelligence (unfortunately)
i truly fear of becoming an astronaut and never return to the solid surface again.

"if acted out, often leads to behaviors which are abnormal and/or out of character, although perhaps understandable in the light of the delusional beliefs"

perfectly clear to me.
now, how do i get this knowledge trasmitted to them?
possibly, i won't.

"individuals who know the patient observe that the belief and behavior are uncharacteristic and alien"

and that's where you're wrong, cause it's become a part of me.
alien.
destructive, aloud, raging idiot.
too bored and probably too self-centred.
i can point it out now quite fairly that the otherwise promising conception of
individualism and idealism, intertwined has gone dangerously too far.
and now it's painful and i'm losing my sense of humour to it
shame on me!

destroy this city of delusions.
reality is always better, even if not.
i'm becoming an alien to myself as well.
i deserve the best, but then again, judging by this, others deserve perfection.
cause no one deserves to be put through my hell.
i'll get what i deserve, as usual, and right now, it should be something of a kick in the face or getting totally beaten up or maybe some parental care and familial love.
maybe, them both, in this particular order.

nice legs, daisy dukes

gone are the days when they were jokingly worrying about my stick-thin p i n s and my ribs sticking out
haha
eating disorders resulting in being waifishness ARE cool. i feel like claiming them back, i've never been really cool, though, just had this pretty illusion.
i can't really envision myself with different sort of problems. if i had those, probably i'd be on the verge of calling myself a content person.
also, it feels like in the bottom of the whole society.
i don't belong anywhere, let alone being in a fancy position. ouch, it hurts.

can't get you out of here

sleep deprivation's over

i'd like to have different kinds of problems. those cool kinds of problems i'll never have. inter-relationship issues and difficulties with your social life.
i excluded people, exluded myself.
i don't have those problems, these are not fancy. i can't really win here.
but i have my lights, at least.

we've got obsessions


don't you forget it

lights, lights, lights

the stars tonight

massive, yes

dead as leaves

i, even i can play dead / we get to sleep tonight