konklúzió

szerintem tökéletesen és maradéktalanul összefoglalja és betetőzi az évet,
hogy a nap részét átaludva, az ébren töltött időt vécére járással és kétségbeesett hányinger csillapítási kísérletekkel töltve, most egy darab száraz kenyeret rágcsálva megpróbálom rávenni magam az elindulásra, miközben izzadok és remegek, és azon vagyok, hogy megmondjam az agyamnak, hagyja abba, mert ezt így nem nagyon bírom.
akad a dologra még vagy bő negyed órám.

brave new world

obsessions

fantasztikus törekvéseim az első rangú pszichés zavar visszaszorítására, elcsitítására, elterelésére, átalakítására, megszüntetésére.
jajdekurvanehéz



x

you've been acting awful tough lately
smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
but inside, you're just a little baby
it's okay to say you've got a weak spot
you don't always have to be on top
better to be hated than loved for what you're not

you're vulnerable
you are not a robot
you're loveable, so loveable
but you're just troubled

guess what? I'm not a robot

you've been hanging with the unloved kids
who you never really liked and you never trusted
but you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
never committing to anything
you don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable,
I am not a robot
you're loveable, so loveable
but you're just troubled

can you teach me how to feel real?
can you turn my power on?
well, let the drum beat drop

najó, igazából az egészet beboldozhatnám, annyira passzol.
ezt egyszer majd eléneklem neked, persze csak ha már túljutottunk azon a szinten,
hogy négy sornyi baudelaire felolvasása a csillagos égősor fénye mellett is, ahol nem látszik, hogy elpirulok - szóval, amikor még ez is nehézségekbe ütközik. meg még annyira sok minden.

x

'kegyes ég, kötözd le a sok gonosz gondolatot, amely az álmokba furakszik!'

x

definiáljuk újra az olvasás fogalmát, és akkor teljesen benne vagyok

'az emberi élet nem eredményekben, hanem folyamatokban fejezi ki önmagát'

'actual life is full of false clues and sign-posts that lead nowhere'

'individuals of wiser faith, who knew that heaven promotes its purposes without aiming at the stage-effect of what is called miraculous interposition' etc.

néha nem larger-than-life, meg olyan szép, mint a filmek, ó de teátrális, meg regényes megminden. néha csak teljesen waiting for godot
well, yes

x

oh you beauty
that's what I call x-mas
teenage dream, bloodlust type oh,
la peau de fleur

daisy

stilszerűen, és még mindig imádom, ha összevágnak a dolgok, ugye, drága daisy.
vinne el a roman fever.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tony-paulsen-phd-/anorexia-treatment-_b_824232.html
erre mondják, hogy
szopááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááááás

and showed me understanding is a dream

And dreamed that dream
To be two souls as one

to put it one way:
wouldn't it be better to live in the fake parallel world? no pure pain - bearable,
no pure joy - wouldn't come any other way either.
does it make sense which universe we prefer over the other, isn't stability that should come first? stable and deranged, but stable.
or instable and not quite content without the prospect of ever having a chance of being so - life, question.
isn't it so that no matter which world of representations I choose, I can forget about
any hopes of being understood by another.
how do I get this (pointing at my head) and this (pointing at my chest) and all this (pointing at my whole physique in kind of circular movements) to another?
to their head, to their heart, under their skin, into their liquid self.
how will they get all this?
how will they get me?
they won't. no one will, so it's really just up to everyone to decide which world of representations they pick. and why should you bother giving it any further thoughs once what's the most important will eventually stay unreachable.
grown so weary of all this die trying thing

let's destroy all the feelings so as to make sure there's no hurt
but.
'a thought came down and it washed away the hurt, and there is always something you can learn'
but.
where do you get the strengh from having not much more than hurt?
(so annoyed by question marks. not asking, just feeling out semi-loud. if written words could shout.)

I used to think of eating and all bodily things as something base but come on, how do you get these most elevated thought if you're brain dead by malnutrition. stuff like that. but I'm more than hungry right now, I am s t a r v i n g.

I wouldn't know what to say to a gentle voice
It'd roll right past me
How can I fight when we're on the same side
How can I fight beside you



And this is why I hate you
And how I understand
That no one ever knows or loves another

körbe

dóri a jónak nem kell rosszul kezdődnie

magától kell jönnie


de rá kell jönni hogy nem vezetett sehova

mármint na

ne legyél rám mérges, én is ezt élem meg

éltem


tudom, tudom, tudom.
és mégis.
meg akar fojtani ez az ambivalencia, de visszafogom, és valahogy kiszenvedem magamból
az ebből fakadó feszültséget.
miért nem tudom kizárni a dolgokat, már az is idegesít, hogy írok, mert érzem, hogy semmi értelme. ugyanaz a kör, ugyanaz

ezt egy ilyen csillogós lánynál láttam, majdnem elsírtam magam azt látva, hogy
a dolgok mennyire szépek is lehetnek
megérdemlik
valamennyire mindenki megérdemelné, nem-e

scurrilous

today's reflection on a year earlier's time:

- thank you so much, guys, for all!
- you welcome!
(- on second thoughs: honestly, did I have an option?
I mean...really..)

it turns out I have and always have had the b e s t teachers, for real.

happy two times twenty again, mr. molko.
I noticed your intrusive r, and it's pure niceagefulnessity, this
phonology thing.

new-found soundcloud obsession in semi-rapidly developing progress
(and I found myself in paris, no cemetery rain, but still)
the luxury of having you by my side

I'M OFFICIALLY OBSESSED AND I LOVE IT

I CAN DO JUST ANYTHING I WANT TO BECAUSE I CAN NEVER GIVE UP ON IT.
JUST TO SEE THE POSITIVE SIDE OF THINGS.
I'LL DO IT UNTIL IT FINALLY HAPPENS, AND THEN DO THE SAME AGAIN AND AGAIN.
OH DEAR MANIA, SEE HOW I LEARNED TO GROW ALL AFFECTED TOWARDS YOU, I DECLARE YOU PART OF ME.
I FEEL LIKE REDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMED. SO OVERWHELMED BY HAPPINESS
thanks, midomi, bershka

a lighter heart

it's kind of shit when you are compelled to interrupt the course of your socialisation process that hasn't even started because you suddenly feel pressed to find some room to rest.
am I now euphemic enough

oh please, don't force me to replace our dream conversations with non-existent ones.
now, I'm head over heels escaping into the gleamland to make my heart a little
l i g h t e r

all's not well

to define is to limit
goes for the good and the bad ones too:
a limitation that's suffocating
but on the other hand, there's
a limitation that's liberating.
to narrow down the whole thing until
nothing else but the problem itself remains
in all its revolting colours and shapes and sizes
and not to let any detail escape. to identify it, to face it.
problem, you're dead

this is the latter, I feel like understanding rationally
what I've been guessing at emotionally
and is there a cooler feeling than that.

but it's only the first step, and it's only for my part,
and the significant object of the whole thing
haven't had a say yet. o b j e c t, yes, that's the sort of
thing I'm usually doing

another day when I fought down the nasty panic,
but I'm doing this tiny, miserable, most intolerable
amoeba-existence and it's not really uplifting

m e a n w h i l e (oh dear)

no right to take my place in the human race

maybe someday I'll be able to be part of something that's public.
I wouldn't want to interfere with any relevant stuff with my filthy, contagious presence, the damage done would probably be more significant.
meanwhile, it's driving me quite mad to suffer people expecting me to be engaged with what all that could be connected to something called 'social awareness' or 'conscience', or whatever, while they (the ones expected to be the most protective of you and your interests) have and still do fail to comprehend you're a miserable wreck partly as a consequence of their neglectfulness.

starting to lose this tiny bond with all things real, and no one pops in to get it reversed.

maybe in another section, in another region it would be different.
we behave like pessimists, that what we are. no hiding the problems, the more you
have to show off with, the better ordinary individual you make. most probably, you won't get stuffed in anywhere, cause there's no real alternative for that purpose, nor is it something unusual. the point is that you don't pretend to be stronger and more persisting than you actually are. does no good.

I just don't see what sense anything makes today, whatever efforts I make, whatever I reach - things don't fit, there's only the holes

listening to this crap GA album I listened to four years ago, same state of mind, charming

a man who's pure of heart
and says his prayers at night
may still become a wolf
when the autumn moon is bright

so what about us

perfect stanger

one of the longest novembers ever, and finally, it's over, just to be replaced with something darker
(and the darker the tinge that saddens it)

I am angelic, I am.

deconstruct

let no foot mark your ground, let no hand hold you down

cuteness, envy

the very first pieces from my brand new compilation project 'most intriguing objects in various university bins'

primadonna girl

'which is exactly what my psychiatrist told me last I went to visit'