no great loss

make my a dancer,
heart beating faster,
stop bringing me down

ó ó ó

with flowers in her hand
-uncanny-

mental

think I'll leave it all behind, SAVE this bleeding heart of mine

b i n a r y, love

'The feelings they arouse in us are identical only when translated into the clumsy conceptual terminology of language.'

how many emotions a day with an unpredictability and unstability that is horrendous and so tiring
-a birthday, a wish my life was different, my choices were different, and a wonder: how I could fall for
someone I had never thought I could fall for. after all, I am drawn to strong personalities. to success and
independence, truth and and stability. it must have been the predestined, whatever this might mean, the longing
for the one person never had, never to be had.
just can't put up with this range and width and depth of internal happenings, just don't feel there is enough human
love and care in sight to mend this - feelings just get stuck deeper and deeper every day, and I see no resolution.
I am frustrated.
narcissism has its explanations, but has gone too far. thinking I was made to bear this all alone.
and still, I feel in need of you so much.

waking up with my teenage dream in my head, reaching another year these days, still formidable.
I haven't managed to get you out of my head for almost t e n years, gosh.
you were the one I should be satisfied with, not my off-putting dream. oh, forgot, you're a dream, too.
trembling with terror before having to stand up and talk in front of half-familiar but,
after all, completely alien people.
getting kisses on the cheek, lots of smiles and warmth afterwards - gave me some, didn't give me much.
being capable of decent human interactions with strangers.
being surprised at him being interested in me, not so surprised at LETTING ME DOWN just hours later.
might sound dreadful to you 'don't you put it like that' - it is the truth.
limerence connected to other people than you. you are dissappointing me. (and I thought I didn't like
rank and ambition and aspiration. I do, and you are not living up to your idealised self. you
have created it. you have started it. and I still don't quite get how my ideals have become so secondary.
-the only principle: to love the ones loving me. nothing else. and you aren't exactly expressing it.
will I ever know it? could I contain it? 'keep on calling me names, keep on, keep on...'
I am not even down - have fought my way through abandonment in my sick ways, can hanndle it

absence

she sings the mourning
salad fingers

next scene: my heart is breaking over seeing you walking the dog. so dishevelled, lost and worn out.
I should be keeping the faith in you, you keeping it in me - none of us are capable. full of shame.

meeting you, newfound best friend, half-dead on my feet. and it works out.

I am weak and misjudge. one of the oldest of my people turns out to be quite not how I had imagined her.
close to me. also, 'misery loves company'
newfound attachment. breakdowns are not public. not glorious.

you're a failure, a dissapointment. a wonder, a fairy. the emotional side should not speak againt the intellect.
they should quietly agree in the end.
lonely home comings.
we all choose our partners, we all choose our keys.

úgyvan

– Ha valaki valakit szeretni – mondta Dóra síri hangon, kérlelhetetlenül –, annak ír.

'ült egy széken a próba után - tekintetéből-lényéből látszott, hogy teljesen végére jutott a fizikai és szellemi teljesítőképességének'

the great disappointment

had a beer after the most together night
I could wish for (we're still useless
as virtually functioning people)
and now I am craving for some strenght
to hold back the pressure from coming out
got answers for anyone, ENDLESS EXCUSES
being fucked up, but it's never my fault
and how far this attitude will take me

ezt adom magamnak: senki sem lesz belőlem.
és idegen emberek belémrúgnak, aztán
elintézettnek tekintik ezt.

)
)

in strawberries we trust

MI EZ A CSODÁLAT, ÉS UGYE ÉN IS ILYEN LESZEK NEGYVEN ÉVES KOROM KÖRÜL (tegnap délelőtt)

MÁR MEGINT MOLL - world in my eyes ('ma' este)

megfoghatatlan és átfoghatatlan: végtelenül

wish you had never been born

but before you come to any conclusions..

én nem akartam itt lenni, nem akarok itt lenni.
rossz, gonosz ember vagy, soha nem tudtad, milyen igazán szeretni. és egyedül fogsz meghalni.
ezért érdemes volt.